As part of our unique brand of musical entertainment, we'll take players (or non-players) of instruments of all shapes and sizes. Play cello? You can rock out with the Bonz. Flute? Clarpicz seem cool enough. A kitchen sink? Yep! We have one of those too. As far as we're concerned, if it makes noise, it's a musical instrument.
The Alto is an instrument of mystery and sensuality, haunting beauty and shifting silk. But just as the most graceful ninja can flip out and cut your head off, the Altoz have been known to whirl into a dervish of music and movement so ridiculous, unprepared bystanders have literally been blown off of their feet by the sheer intensity of the rocking out and wailing produced by the section.
This phenomenon brought on by the playing of an Alto is the primary reason for their placement in the band set-up; in the front, and slightly to the left. In the front to prevent other sections from being incapacitated by the aura of awesome exuded by the altoz, and to the left as to not steal (all of) the audiences' attention and because it looks kinda cool.
Before going to a foreign country, it's often best to gain some knowledge of the culture there. In a similar manner, one must attempt to understand the LSJUMBonz. The Bone is a mystical horn that each member of the "Bonz" holds dear to his or her heart. You do not mess with a Bone, you do not hurt a Bone, unless it is in the process of throwing it really high. The Bone gives them the power to have the most interesting musical parts in the band, to be loud enough to blast eardrums, to be the most suave section around, to perform superhuman feats, and to be the best thing since fire.
CPG. Clarinets Piccolos Gangzterz. We are the piccolos, clarinets, glockenspiels, melodicas, violins, guitars, bagpipes, hurdy gurdys and [insert instruments here] of the LSJUMB. We are a beautiful mess of seasoned instrumentalists and people who don’t yet know what an instrument is. We are hard to explain to your grandma.
Despite our overwhelming awesomeness, people sometimes forget us because we play “quieter” instruments. However, we always burst back into the collective consciousness with a flurry of movement, sound, and crocheted instrument sweaters. We share snacks. We pet dogs. We engage in the fiber arts. We read Obama Biden noir fiction. We are a wholesome and eccentric family like none other.
You might be wondering, "what is a mellz?" to which the answer is complicated.
In seven haikus,
we, the Mellz, share our mythos.
We go hard like that.
Once upon a time,
the universe, like cabbage,
was green. No...chartreuse.
"Let there be more stuff!"
said Cat to Gnome, verily,
and yea, there was stuff.
Sousaphones were there
along with trumpz and trombonez,
something was amiss.
Terrors to uncovered ears,
The gods feared our sounds.
In their spite, they created
entropy. Those jerks.
Hey! You! Second law
of thermodynamics! Yes,
the mellz will break you!!!!
As for you, reader…
Grab a mell, fight the Big Crunch,
and really rock out!
Tööbz are a section of superlatives. They are the funkiest, most fit, most blasphemous, cuddliest, most bacon-eating, most vegetarian, best section.
Oh yeah. And they also play the biggest, lowest, most awesome instrument, while rocking out harder than anyone else. As a result, any unsuspecting youths who join the Tööbz will be formed into strong young low brass players with chops of stainless steel and a penchant for eating bacon and avocadoes, hailing seitan, and blaspheming all living gods*, via the following experiences:
*Except for the one true tööba bööda.
The LSJUMB Killa Trumpz. No other instrument blasts pure energy along with eardrum-shattering notes, and yet at the same time can be assembled in less than 0.35 seconds. Everybody knows the delight and awesomeness that comes with playing the trump. No one plays higher (don't let the Clarpicz tell you they can, because they can't). Nobody rocks out harder (although it's always funny to watch other sections try). And nobody looks more awesome than a trump.