Hello Internet stranger! We, the LSJUMB, are The World's Largest Rock `n Roll Band. If you're here then it probably means you're probably a Stanford frosh looking to have a good time in college (join us pleeease we promise we're nice), a friendly local who wants to hire us for your birthday party/wedding/whatever event you think would be improved by a group of Stanford students showing up with random costumes and instruments, or maybe you just think we're cool and want to know more about us (honestly, we're all for it). Regardless of who you are, we need to get a few things straight. There's plenty of fake news these days coming from the liberal media, and we certainly wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression about us. We scoured the World Wide Web for these untruths, and here are some of our favorites:
Untruth #1: The Stanford Band has been banned (haha!) from the State of Oregon.
Well, they didn’t like the field show. But it turns out that you can’t really ban an organization from crossing into your state unless they’ve been committing crimes and things. Pesky First Amendment. Governor Neil Goldschmidt tried to ban us from the state of Oregon, but look what happened to him. We’ve since been back.
Untruth #2: The Stanford Band was suspended once upon a time after members urinated on the field during a halftime show.
We do not pee on the field; we leave that to the University of Washington football team. But in all honesty, this never happened. We like to drop our pants on the field – always while wearing underwear – for comedic effect, and people sometimes get confused.
Untruth #3: The Stanford Band was banned from certain airlines for attempting to tip the plane mid-flight by running from side-to-side across the rows.
False! Our propagandists are just too good. The best part about this story is that the U$C band tried this after hearing the story. Poor pitiful children.
Untruth #4: The Stanford Band improperly rushed the field and interfered with play at the end of the 1982 Big Game.
False! The game was over. His knee was down.
Untruth #5: The Stanford Band is a bunch of bigots who hate the Irish.
We in the Stanford Band are not bigots. In fact, we make it our mission to attack prejudice and inequality wherever we encounter it, using the only weapons available to us: loud music and burning political satire. It just so happened that in the 1990s, we noticed that the mascot of the University of Notre Dame, the Fighting Irish, was a caricatured stereotype of the Irish and Irish-Americans. Irish people do more than fight, and the name Fighting Irish is just as inappropriate as the name Getting-Invaded-All-The-Time French. We lampooned this fact with a show called "These Irish, Why Must They Fight" but it seems to have gotten misinterpreted (we think they had a hard time hearing it because they were booing so hard) and since then, we have generally been detested as bigots by Notre Dame fans and alumni. It’s a shame, ain’t it?
Untruth #6: The Band was not allowed to do a halftime field show at the 2011 Orange Bowl because LeBron's ego couldn't handle the show they had planned.
False. Neither Stanford nor Virginia Tech played a field show: the Goo Goo Dolls played the halftime show. Given the chance, though, we probably would have insulted LeBron.
Untruth #7: The Band served for a brief time as Mitt Romney’s communications director during his presidential campaign.
Um, not at all. But he does like our jokes.
Untruth #8: The Band Played Outside of OJ Simpson’s Trial in 1994.
Actually, it was just a group of members that ditched field rehearsal (truants!) and it was just OJ’s arraignment. They may or may not have played "She’s Not There" by the Zombies, but hey, it was a long time ago, and he got off (at least that time). The current members of the band were still wetting their beds when this happened, so get off our case, Johnnie Cochran.